Boundaries That Saved My Relationships (and Myself) While Living With Chronic Pain and Remote Work
At 7 p.m., I’m staring at a blinking cursor, my body screaming to stop, but fear of disappointing others keeps me typing.
That’s what living with chronic pain often looks like: silence, not screams.
For years, I thought boundaries were walls. Saying “no” felt like pushing people away. But over time, I learned the truth: boundaries with chronic pain aren’t walls they’re bridges.
They kept my friendships alive.
They made dating possible.
They helped my family understand.
And they saved my career.
This is how I built them and the exact scripts and systems I still use today.
The Silent Distance
I was 15 when psoriatic arthritis hit. Overnight, my NHL dreams vanished. Pain became my baseline, a 6/10 that never left.
I didn’t know how to explain it. So I stayed silent.
I masked pain with humor. I canceled plans with excuses. I smiled while exhausted.
But silence had a cost:
- Friendships faded: I “bailed too often.”
- Dating collapsed: I seemed unreliable.
- Family misunderstood: I looked fine but wasn’t.
- Work burned me out: I hid everything.
When you believe you’re a burden, you stop letting people in.
Boundary #1: The Relationship With Myself
Before I could set boundaries with others, I had to make peace with myself.
For years, I treated my body like the enemy. I punished it with overwork, ibuprofen, and guilt.
The turning point came in my late 20s when ulcers forced me to quit pain meds cold turkey. I realized that if I kept fighting my body, I’d lose everything.
So I made a pact with myself:
- Structure First: Saunas, steam rooms, stretching, and strict routines became my baseline.
- Honesty Over Guilt: Low-energy days weren’t failures. They were strategy.
- Ownership of Hope: I stopped waiting for “better someday” and built systems for the body I had.
This inner boundary, no more denial, was the first bridge I built.
Boundary #2: Dating with Chronic Pain
Dating with chronic pain used to feel impossible.
In my 20s, I hid it. I’d play “healthy” on dates, then crash privately. Every relationship fizzled.
By my mid-30s, I made a choice to be authentic or nothing.
On a date at 38, I finally said:
“I have an autoimmune disease and live with chronic pain every day. Some days are harder than others, but I’ve built a life around it and I’ll always be upfront.”
I braced for rejection. Instead, she said:
“Thanks for telling me. That makes me trust you more.”
That’s when I realized:
The right people don’t need you to be pain-free. They need you to be real.
Boundary #3: Friendships That Survived
Friendships were where boundaries got tested hardest.
Some friends couldn’t adapt. They wanted late nights, last-minute trips, or sports I couldn’t manage. I let those fade. Painful, but necessary.
Others adjusted beautifully. One close friend still begins with:
“Energy check. Pain manageable today? Want to hang?”
That single question has kept our friendship alive for decades.
Friendship Script That Helps Me:
“I want to, but I might need to leave early. Are you flexible?”
It kept me included without overcommitting.
Boundary #4: Family — The Hardest One
Family is tricky. Love often comes with expectations.
One Christmas, I pushed myself through hours of chatter, smiling while my body screamed. I ended up bedridden for 24 hours.
After that, I tried honesty:
Family Script That Works:
“I love being here, but I need 15 minutes to recharge. Pain’s getting the better of me.”
At first, some cousins thought it was weird.
Now it’s normal. The love stayed. The pressure left.
Boundary #5: Work — Where Boundaries Saved My Career
Remote work at 30 was supposed to be a dream. Instead, I almost burned out proving myself nonstop. Camera always on. Emails at midnight. Never admitting pain.
The shift came when I realized:
Boundaries at work aren’t weakness. They’re why I can sustain performance.
Work Scripts That Changed Everything
- On workload: “I’ll need to pace myself today, but the project’s on track.”
- On meetings: “I’ll stay off camera today, but I’m fully present.”
- On deadlines: “I can deliver tomorrow morning instead of tonight. Does that work?”
These weren’t excuses. They were systems. They built trust while respecting my limits.
(For exact setups, I detail my workflow in My Remote Work Setup for Chronic Pain: 7 Essentials That Saved My Career)
The Framework: Building Boundaries with Chronic Pain
Here’s the repeatable system I use:
The 4-Step Boundary Framework
- Check Inward First: Define your real limit today (energy score 1–10).
- Name It Simply: One sentence of truth beats silence.
- Offer a Bridge: Instead of “no,” offer a modified “yes.”
- Normalize Rest: Treat boundaries as routine, not emergencies.
Boundaries stop being awkward when they become habits.
Beyond Arthritis: Why Boundaries Matter for Everyone
You don’t need my diagnosis for this to matter.
Chronic pain or not, the principle stands: boundaries turn isolation into connection.
- They keep friendships alive.
- They make dating real.
- They help family love you as you are.
- They save careers from collapse.
Boundaries aren’t about pushing people out.
They’re about letting the right ones in.
Final Thought: Your Challenge This Week
If you’re living with chronic pain, here’s my challenge:
Pick one boundary this week.
With a friend, a family member, or at work.
Say it out loud.
Watch how the right people respond.
That’s where your bridges begin.
Even in chronic pain, you’re worth honesty, connection, and trust.
